When people tell me my “twins look cute”, I feel a stab of sadness…

By Tracey Kirby for Baby Loss Awareness Week 2017

When people tell me my “twins look cute”, I feel a stab of sadness…

During Baby Loss Awareness Week we’re sharing different perspectives on baby loss from those whose experience is first hand. Today, Tracey writes about her son Cayden, who was one of triplets.

When people tell me my “twins look cute”, I feel a stab of sadness in my chest.

It’s not appropriate to correct people and tell them they’re actually two of triplets. To tell them that my little boy Cayden didn’t make it. How would I even begin to explain?

We lost our little man to TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome) when he was still tucked up warm inside me with his brothers. After repeated bad news throughout my pregnancy, we thought we’d turned a corner and all our babies were doing well.

But that moment when the doctor gripped my hand and told me there wasn’t a third heartbeat, that’s when I was hit with complete shock and sadness.

I carried him through the rest of the pregnancy – it was actually reassuring to know he was still in there with Henry and James.

When the boys were born my survivors were rushed off to neonatal and I finally met Cayden face to face. And he was perfect. I got to hold him, give him lots of cuddles and tell him how much we loved him.

He has been laid to rest near our house and his brothers are three years old now. I often wonder if they feel the emptiness. That multiples bond starts right in the womb – do they feel like a piece is missing?

I’m getting better at talking about it – it’s important to do that. My story is now featured in a new Bereavement Support Group Booklet put together by Tamba (Twins and Multiple Births Association).

Sadly I’m not alone, there are many other mums and dads like us who have lost babies. But there is support out there for all of us and I’d always advise people to seek help.

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